


i never meant for you

by nommonkeypie



Series: can't get you out of my head [5]
Category: Block B
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2017-04-11
Packaged: 2018-10-17 13:46:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10595238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nommonkeypie/pseuds/nommonkeypie
Summary: It was this constant dull ache. That was the most surprising part out of all this. The ache never went away but at times he could distract himself from it.





	

He knew it was stupid and would only leave him feeling depressed but he couldn't help himself. Jaehyo opened Instagram and stared at the account it was still open on. He knew he was torturing himself by doing this. But knowing and doing something were two different things.

At least Jiho looked like he was having fun in Europe. Well Jaehyo assumed as much anyways from the pictures Block B were posting.

“I could take better,” he murmured as he looked at the one Jiho had posted from Helsinki. It took him a few moments to realize he’d typed that out. He flushed with embarrassment, quickly erasing the comment. He didn't need Jiho knowing that Jaehyo was still checking up on him.

They hadn't spoken. No texts. No calls. No anything. It hurt to think about, to realize. Jaehyo forced himself to close Instagram and went back to editing photos on his computer.

\---

Jiho reluctantly slipped out of Minho and Yukwon’s room, heading down the hall to where his own was located. He could hear Kyung practically dragging Hanhae to the room those two were sharing. Jiho would have helped but his room was farther away and in the opposite direction. Plus he was having trouble just walking. If he tried to helped with Hanhae, Jiho was almost positive they’d all end up in a pile on the floor.

Collapsing on his bed, Jiho stared at his phone’s screen. It took him several moments to realize he was looking at Jaehyo’s picture, one of the selcas the guy had sent him back when there’d been something between them.

Not that there was anymore. And it was all Jiho’s fault. He knew this. That knowledge only made it sting more.

He opened kakao, looking for Jaehyo.

Their chat room looked so innocent and so sweet. It was full of jokes and selcas. The smile on Jaehyo’s face made Jiho’s stomach flip uncomfortably. Jaehyo looked so good, so happy. Knowing that Jaehyo had cared for him, had even said he’d been in love with Jiho, it made the selcas in their chat all the sweeter. Jiho hadn’t been able to see it at the time but now he could.

And he’d been the one to ruin it all.

It would have been better if he’d listened to Jaehyo and left when he’d been told to that night. But he’d gone back and even that could have been okay. But then he’d let Jaehyo kiss him. He shouldn’t have let that happen.

But it had and now here he was feeling like an ass because he knew he'd ruined a really good thing. It didn't help that he missed Jaehyo. It was this constant dull ache. That was the most surprising part out of all this. The ache never went away but at times he could distract himself from it. Other times, like now, he couldn’t help but lay in bed and grieve for what could have been. There was no better way to describe the feeling.

He opened up the camera in kakao and took a selca. When he looked at it, all he could think was that he looked pitiful. He hit the retry button and took another. Still pitiful. This was just depressing. What had happened to the cool guy?

\---

Jaehyo opened kakao, figuring it was Taeil who had been sending him all those messages.

When he saw the ‘8’ next to Jiho’s name, Jaehyo found he couldn’t breathe. What in the wor- he didn’t even have time to process what he was seeing as another message popped up. A photo. Were all these photos? Why in the world was Jiho sending him photos?

It took him a few moments to work up the courage to open the chat with Jiho. A stream of selcas filled the chat, all of them nearly identical. Jiho was laying on a bed. His hair was messy and he was wearing clothes that looked comfortable. Was he in a hotel room? Had to be.

Jaehyo smiled a little as he scrolled through the selcas. Jiho was playing with his camera, obviously playing up to it more and more with each picture. It was cute. Painful but cute. But it begged the question: why?

He was about to type out a message asking just that when a voice note appeared.

Jaehyo stared at it. He knew he should click on it. Or maybe he shouldn’t. What had happened...it had been a very final thing. They’d slept together and then Jiho has essentially left a ‘hey thanks for the fuck but I’m out, don’t talk to me again’ note so yeah...what the fuck was up with this now.

“I’m the worst.”

That was how the message started. It felt like Jiho was right there, speaking in his ear. Jaehyo kept listening.

“I...I really screwed up. I know I shouldn’t have done that. I wish I hadn’t. I miss you. I miss how fun it was talking to you, being around you. If I could take it back, I would. I’d do it in a heartbeat. But I can’t.”

Every word hurt to hear. All the pain Jaehyo had thought he’d buried was roaring back to life. At least he apparently wasn’t the only one. Because Jiho’s voice...well his words were slurred like he was drunk but they also featured a tone that Jaehyo could only call heartbroken.

“Hyung, I’m sorry.”

\---

Jiho groaned. He just wanted to sleep. He hadn’t even known he was asleep until he was getting woken up. He was going to kill whoever was calling him right now.

And then he saw the name on the screen.

Jaehyo hyung

He forgot to breathe.

Why was Jaehyo calling him?

All annoyance and anger disappeared as confusion took over. The timing seemed strange too. He’d been thinking about the guy when he’d fallen asleep after all. Jiho couldn’t help but wonder if they were connected in some strange sort of way.

“Hello?”

Jiho hoped it wasn’t too obvious he’d been drinking just a little bit ago.

“Why now?” Jaehyo asked.

Jiho blinked in confusion. What was Jaehyo talking about? The guy had called him. Out of nowhere too. It’d been over a month since that time. They hadn’t spoken to each other since and then now this?

Honestly? Jiho knew he was too drunk and sleep deprived for whatever this was.

“Hyung, you’re the one calling me. I have no idea what you’re going on about.” Jiho could hear the slurring of his words. It was too late for that though. Besides he was tired and in a different country and for once he’d actually been asleep.

Jaehyo sighed. It was deep and heavy and made the ache in Jiho’s heart worse. As annoyed and confused as he felt, he still wished Jaehyo were here. That Jiho could reach over and brush the bangs out of Jaehyo’s eyes, to hug and hold him close, to just rest with and let Jaehyo know that whatever was going on in that wonderful head of his was okay.

Fuck, he really was drunk if he was getting all sappy like that.

“Look at the chat and listen to the note,” was Jaehyo’s answer before ending the call.

Jiho stared at the phone for a moment, trying to decipher just what Jaehyo had said. Dread filled his stomach as Jaehyo’s words finally sank in. Had...had he done something? Jiho went to their chat. Immediately he noticed the multiple pictures and groaned. He’d been certain that he hadn’t sent those.

Then he noticed the voice note.

He didn’t want to listen to it. But he knew he had to. Jaehyo had said to listen to it so Jiho did.

“I shouldn’t have sent you that,” was the first thing he said when Jaehyo picked up.

“But you did.” Jaehyo sounded tired which was strange. It wasn’t a super weird time back in Korea and the guy was an insomniac half the time anyways.

Jaehyo sighed and for a moment, Jiho could just picture him. He could see Jaehyo, sitting in his chair in front of his computer, tired. Trying to figure out how to deal with Jiho’s stupidity.

“I’m an idiot,” Jiho said, repeating his earlier words. “I shouldn’t have sent that and you should have just deleted it instead of listening. I was drinking and that’s the stupid that came out of drinking.”

It was too late to take anything back. And while Jiho wanted to, he also knew he couldn’t. Jaehyo would only get hurt being around him in the long run.

There was a long pause before Jaehyo said anything. “Jiho.”

“Hyung, don’t,” Jiho interrupted. He was afraid to hear whatever it was that Jaehyo would say. “Whatever it is, just don’t.”

“No.”

Jiho stared at his phone. Was that Jaehyo? There was an edge of steel in his voice that was entirely new to Jiho. And even though Jiho felt miserable, he couldn’t help but feel a little turned on by this new side of Jaehyo. It was a very odd feeling, wanting to physically die but also wanting to touch someone who was so amazing but painful.

“You left and when you did, you left a shitty note behind. Now you’re regretting it? But at the same time, you just want to keep pushing me away? Do you realize how confusing you’re being? You don’t have to tell me you’re an idiot. I know that.”

There was anger in that tone.

Jiho opened his mouth to try and respond. Nothing came out. So he listened to Jaehyo.

“And then all of a sudden, I get all that from you. Out of nowhere. No communication from you and then suddenly selcas and that voice note. How am I supposed to take that?”

If Jiho hadn’t already felt horrible, that would have done it. Jaehyo didn’t even have to mention all the attempts the guy had made at contacting Jiho. Jaehyo had tried so hard at first but Jiho had ignored it all.

“Jiho.” The way Jaehyo said the name was so heavy. Serious. Jiho hated that tone, that Jaehyo was using it because of him. “Jiho, what do you want from me?”

Everything. Nothing.

“I don’t want to be played around with.”

Jaehyo didn’t say anything else. If it weren’t for the sound of his breathing, Jiho would have thought the guy had hung up. But Jiho could hear breathing so he knew Jaehyo was still there.

The anger was gone from Jaehyo’s tone, replace by a sadness that sat heavily on Jiho. He was too drunk for this. Too tired. Too drained.

“I’m sorry.” He felt like a broken record but he had to repeat himself again. “I’m really sorry, hyung.”

“I don’t want to hear that anymore.” The anger was back in Jaehyo’s voice. It pulled Jiho more awake, more aware. “Stop saying it unless you really mean it, Jiho.”

But he did mean it. “Can we meet when I’m back in Seoul?” Jiho offered. He needed sleep and to sober up and doing this over the phone was turning into a disaster that was apparently making it all worse.

“Okay.”

\---

Jaehyo stared at the words on his screen.

In Seoul

He knew what could happen next. What was supposed to happen. But he just felt tired. He didn’t want to deal with this but he wanted this situation with Jiho to be dealt with too.

It was hard to believe this was his life now. A year ago, he was running a fansite dedicated to Jiho and now he was halfway trying to avoid the guy. Because Jaehyo had gotten the message three hours ago and still hadn’t responded.

This...Jaehyo hit the call button.

Jiho had to have been watching and waiting for something. That was the only way to describe just how fast he answered. Jaehyo wasn’t even sure the call had gotten through the first ring.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

The silence that followed seemed to last forever. In reality, Jaehyo knew it was probably only a few seconds but it just stretched and stretched.

“So you’re back.”

“I am.”

Why was this so hard? Jaehyo felt like hitting his head against the wall. Before they’d slept together, it’d been so easy to talk to Jiho. Everything just seemed to flow so beautifully and naturally. But now…

“Should we meet in person?” Jiho was the one who said what they had to both have been thinking. Jaehyo knew that’s what he’d been wondering. After all, last time they’d spoken on the phone, things had just seemed to be a disaster.

“I...yeah, probably,” Jaehyo admitted. He didn’t want to offer his place though. It had too many bad memories attached to it now thanks to Jiho. He was able to exist in it but he didn’t think he could handle seeing Jiho here again. “I’m free now.”

He didn’t know if Jiho was free or not but he assumed that with just getting back, this might actually be a time when Jiho didn’t have a million other things he had to do.

“Do you want to meet somewhere?” Jaehyo asked, trying not to let it be obvious he didn’t want Jiho to come back to his apartment.

Jiho was quiet. Finally he said, “I’m at home. You...you could come over.”

Jaehyo couldn’t breath. The amount of trust in that offer...it seemed silly that being invited to Jiho’s home was more intimate and personal than having sex with the guy had been but somehow, it was.

“Okay,” he finally replied. This was dangerous. He knew this. But Jaehyo also knew that whatever it was between them that they needed to deal with, they had to do it in private. “Send me the address?”

“Let me know when you get here,” Jiho answered.

The call went awkward and quiet again. Jaehyo hit the button to end the call, not sure what else to say.

It was a surprisingly short trip to the address Jiho gave. Then again, fate seemed to love to hate him so of course he’d have a nice simple, short trip where he wouldn’t be given a chance to think about the wiseness of this all. Except now he was sitting in his car and had a moment to think.

\---

Out front

Jiho saw the message. His stomach flipped at the words. He hadn’t seen Jaehyo since the morning he’d woken up in the guy’s bed. And now Jaehyo was nearby. So close yet so far and Jiho didn’t know if he wanted to see the guy or run away from him.

And then the knock at his door let Jiho know that Jaehyo had followed the directions up to his place and found the right apartment.

He took a long drink from his bottle of water before putting it back in the fridge and going over to the door.

Jaehyo looked amazing. He’d cut his hair since the last time Jiho had seen him. Or maybe just a trim since it was still chin length. It looked like it might be a little more brown too but Jiho wasn’t sure if this was all just his memory failing him. He was still as handsome as ever though. Still long and lean and strong looking. Kindness and caring seemed to just radiate from him.

“Come in,” Jiho said as he let Jaehyo in. “It’s not a huge place but it’s mine.” Was he babbling? It felt like he might be. “Do you want something to drink?”

“I’m fine.”

Fuck. Jiho had forgotten how nice Jaehyo’s voice was in person. Phone conversations didn’t do it justice.

Jaehyo was looking around, eyes trying to drink in everything he saw. Everything except Jiho. It was hard to be certain but he was fairly sure Jaehyo was trying to avoid looking at him. And Jiho couldn’t blame Jaehyo for that even as he was having trouble tearing his own gaze away from Jaehyo.

“I’m sorry.”

Jiho hadn’t meant to say the words. They just slipped out but he knew it was too late to stop them now. He hadn’t meant to say them. Not now. Not after how Jaehyo had flipped on him when they’d spoken on the phone.

Jaehyo didn’t look his way. Instead, he had made his way over to the bearbricks and was carefully looking over each one. “I don’t want to hear an apology,” the guy said, at least acknowledging Jiho’s words.

“I do mean it,” Jiho replied, sitting on his couch. It was in the middle of the room. Completely casual but it let him watch Jaehyo who had his back to Jiho now. Okay the view it gave was great too but Jiho tried not to dwell on that particular thought. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

What was ‘that’? Was ‘that’ leaving the note behind? Because Jiho realized just how horrible of thing that had been in retrospect. Or was ‘that’ sleeping with Jaehyo in the first place? Also something he knew he shouldn’t have done but hadn’t been able to help himself. Could it be cutting Jaehyo out of his life? But it also could have been the drunk photos and voice message.

The fact that there were so many options to pick from wasn’t exactly comforting.

Jaehyo moved on to the next bear, still with his back to Jiho, still seeming to ignore Jiho.

“Hyung, I’m not...I messed up and I know that.” Jiho looked at his hands. “What I did was wrong. I know this. Everything I do when it comes to you is the wrong thing but…”

But I can’t help myself.

He stopped the words in time. They hit too close to home for him to say.

“I just want to know why.”

He looked up at the sound of Jaehyo’s voice, noticing that the older guy had moved closer, was standing just out of arm’s reach. Beautiful torture. That’s all he could think of to describe this moment. Jaehyo in general. 

“You’re too good for me. For my life.”

It was the simple and honest truth. Jaehyo was too nice, too trusting, too sweet, too purely good. And Jiho’s life was too much of not those things.

“I’m not a child.”

Thankfully.

Jiho smiled a little, trying to not laugh. “Yeah, I know that. I wouldn’t be interested if you were.”

He was pretty sure he saw a faint hint of pink on Jaehyo’s cheeks. It made Jiho’s belly warm. He hadn’t realized how cold and numb he’d been feeling until now. If only Jaehyo would take a step closer and Jiho could reach out and touch him. But even if he was closer, Jiho wouldn’t reach over. He didn’t want to drive Jaehyo away. Again.

“You’re interested but you don’t want me around,” Jaehyo summed how Jiho was feeling.

“I do. Want you around. But…” Jiho had never really regretted going into music, getting his name known. Not until Jaehyo. “If you’re around me, my life will hurt you somehow.”

Jaehyo was quiet. He didn’t say anything but instead slipped past where Jiho was sitting on the couch to look out the window. Jiho didn’t turn around. He had the feeling Jaehyo wanted a moment alone. Or, well, as alone as he could be at the moment.

“That isn’t your decision to make,” he finally replied. “You have to let me decide that. And right now, the only part of your life that’s hurt me…”

Jaehyo didn’t have to complete the thought. Jiho knew how that sentence ended. “It’s me.” Jiho said it, admitted it.

“Yeah.”

“You shouldn’t forgive me for that,” Jiho added. “You should just leave and let me,” suffer, “deal with my own mess. Block me and go on with your life.”

But he already knew Jaehyo wouldn’t do that. If Jaehyo were going to do that, he already would have.

“No one ever said anything about forgiving you. A second chance doesn’t mean you’ve been forgiven.”

Jiho turned to look at Jaehyo. Had...had Jaehyo just said that?

“Are you serious?”

Jaehyo shrugged. “Probably stupid but…” he said, taking the couple of steps he needed to reach Jiho. He reached over, resting a hand on top of Jiho’s. “Yeah. I guess I am.”


End file.
